proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
