I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
