When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
