I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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