and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
