mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
