Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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