the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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