words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
