god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
