I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
