so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
