why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
