hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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