Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
