you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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