im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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