At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
