i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
