i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Boobs speak an international language.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
