Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
