its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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