it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
