Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
