Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
