I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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