this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
