My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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