So drunk its hurt
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
