drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
