if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
