I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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