if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Randomize
