..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
