He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
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THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
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On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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