Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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