I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just forgot I was standing up.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
