you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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