You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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