just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
