do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
