I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
