Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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