I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
