...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Found your dick twin last night
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
