it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
