I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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