Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
