Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
