if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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