That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
