I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
