I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
