Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
