I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
