so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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