I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
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she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
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Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize