Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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