Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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