I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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